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dancyshakeit7
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Name: Sammy
Birthday: 10/29/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: dancing till i can't stand anymore, writing my soul out until i can't go anymore, pushing myself to my limits.
Expertise: taking funky pictures, having things in my eyes, writing for fun and for relief, not being able to spell, lots of other things
Occupation: Student
Industry: Art
Message: message me
AIM:  dancyshakeit7
Member Since:
1/16/2005
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| I really don't know what to do anymore. You can only push and pull,
push and pull so much until you know that nothing's going to give. I
tried to make my peace with you, I heard everything that happened with
your family, and still, you give me nothing. A cold shoulder and an "I
don't care," as usual, because you're too proud to admit that it hurt
you. You're too proud to admit that you thought that people cared a
little bit more than they showed, and you're mad because I know that
you're pretending. I'm sorry... I wish you cared about me as much as
you say you did. I wish you cared enough to let me be your friend and
trust me enough to talk to me about things that sting a little. I wish
I could say that at the end of the day, you'll have no regrets. And I
wish I could say at the end of the day, everything between us was ok,
that I could hug you and wish you good luck, tell you that I love you
like a brother, but you won't hear it. And if anything happens, even
though I tried to break that ice inside your heart, you wouldn't let me
in and that makes me really sad. It really hurts me. But there's
nothing I can do. I know you and the more I push, the more you'll shy
away from me. I'm afraid that this is as good as it's going to
get...because I know you. You don't turn back. You don't forget. You
just move on and pretend like you don't need anyone, even me, even
though for the last 5 years at least, I've trusted you with all my
problems and everything that made me happy, and time and time again,
you've shown me that it doesn't matter to you. You've shown me that I
don't matter to you.
It really gets me that people see for to be this cocky, stuck up girl.
I'm sick of people telling me I'm a bitch, that I don't even realize
that I am condescending to people. I'm so sick of people telling me
that I think that I'm better than everyone. Let's set the record
straight.
I'm not stuck up. I don't think I'm better than anyone. As a matter of
fact, I feel like the people that have ever said that about me think
that they're better, so they can step on me and make me feel nothing,
even the people that I've given my trust to. I don't trust people with
things I have to say because people misunderstand my trust issues with
a superiority complex. Too many people have hurt me, people that said
they loved me, people that I trusted my heart with have been the very
ones to feed me to the dogs. People wonder why I'm so territorial with
the people I love...because the people that mean the most to me have a
reason for being there. People wonder why I'm so mean to people that I
don't know, it's not an intentional malice. I'm quiet and shy to people
I don't know, and if they have something bad to say about me, I'm not
going to waste my time trying to prove them wrong. What's wrong with
that? What is so wrong about knowing when not to fight? No one can
accuse me of not letting people in. When I first meet people, I'm
quiet, yes, I observe, so I can gage how I can act around them, so I
don't come off as some cynical bitch, like I've been called so many
times. I gage what parts of myself to expose, so I don't shock or scare
them. I'm tired of people misunderstanding where I'm coming from. I try
not to care about people that hurt me, but sometimes, I have no choice.
I can't block out the negative. I'm not some super bot that's got life
down to a tee. I suck at golf, I'm clumsy, I don't say the right
things, and I'm wrong A LOT. But I'm trying. What else can I do? I
can't please everyone.
I wish that you would get it. I wish that you could just be a human and not try to be some superhero all the time.
This post started out as something trivial, it was supposed to be
something that didn't matter. I was going to talk about how frustrating
it is when you're favorite show finally ties up all it's loose ends and
the cuts them all to pieces. I was going to talk about how amusing it
is to go and hang out with my brother and sister...maybe I will, just
to navigate back to where I was before the explosion of words up there.
It's nice to kick back and not worry about anything. To play golf in
the back of my brother's house, laughing at Cooper the OCD dog who
chases the golf balls and puts them in a pile because he didn't like
the way we were scattering them around the yard...to be carefree for a
nice night in the summer, comfortable in my favorite tank tops and
capri jeans...making dinner with my sister and talking about life,
listening to her talk to me about things she worries about, like she's
been waiting just for me to talk to about everything, like she really
wants me to just listen to her, things I can handle. It's nice to laugh
at her and Cesar, bickering as usual, all to come in to see them
cuddled up on the couch together after I came in from talking to my own
partner on the phone. It's so nice to know that I am needed. I'm not
dumb, I know that the people I love love me for a reason, that we're
all lifelines for each other. It's nice to be that first person that
someone texts or calls when they're in trouble, or when they hear
something funny. It's nice to sit around and play video games way past
bedtime, just to get to the next round, all of us screaming and
laughing and making stupid jokes. It's nice to be around family.
I love watching my dad come in from outside smiling. I love it when my
mom runs to keep me company when she's hears the water running. I love
it that we can just talk. I love it that we can all just sit in the
living room, throwing pillows at each other, a secret kind of
understanding that we're a family growing up together. My curfews
aren't an issue, housework is something we've finally figured out how
to communicate without yelling or rolling of eyes. We're a different
kind of family. It all just kind of clicks.
I love seeing you for the first time in a couple of days, that look you
give me when you know it's me, that I'm real, and you can hold me in
your arms. I love it that in the beginning, we barely even talk, we
just enjoy being together, barely closing our eyes for a nap, just
enjoying the closeness. I love the little smiles we exchange and how
I've never been able to withhold any ounce of sadness when around you.
All you radiate is positive energy for me, turning even the darkest day
a little brighter because I know that you're there, holding my hand,
catching me if I fall, or tumbling with me if I make a wrong step.
I love my best friend, and all the time we spend doing absolutely
nothing and being content with it. I love all the days the plans are
randomly thought of, even though we always end up in the same place.
All the plans we make, the ones we've followed through with, they're
all just a part of the glue that holds us together.
Self-reflection is the key to any of my episodes. I know that there are
things I'll never be able to change about this or that, but what I've
got in other places definitely lift the pain a little. The way I see
it, everyone that stays in my life for any period of time has their own
place carved into my heart. All the existing lifelines make me who I
am, good or bad, whether they're present or not. I know I can't change
everything.
And who I am, what I've become, all the people that have made the journey with me, I'd be nothing without them. | | |
| It's amazing how girl's and probably only girl's moods change with a good episode of their favorite shows. i've been watching gilmore girls and my mood is going up and down with the show, like i'm right there with them, like a good book.
just some things...
~ I like my new rug in my room, it's pretty and purple and comfortable. It makes it feel more like home.
~ I love my boyfriend, more than I could ever imagine loving another person in my life. It should be scary, but it is not at all. It's those little things again that I miss so much. Those little kisses in the middle of classes, those big hugs for nothing. After spending an entire week at his side, coming here and being without him kind of sucks a little. I must say, I will do a little wah wah, cry cry, I like having him around. So sue me. I finally found a nice way to remedy our 1 year anniversary situation. We're supposed to spend our anniversary with my family, setting up for my daddy's 45th surprise party, and entire weekend of moving and planning and stressing when we should be relaxing and enjoying the year that we've made it through. A beautiful year that has been absolutely perfect, even with everything that has been thrown at us. All the trials outside of us have been gone through together. We take care of each other. I like it. Sure, there have been some times that we've had to sit and actually talk about stuff between us, days when we know we've let each other down or said something stupid, but then, instead of getting mad, it feels worse, we feel worse than we made the other feel. The shining in my eyes, the sad smiles he tries to make at me breaks my heart and everything goes away, we have to fix it.
~ I like it when there's a little piece of hair hanging in my face, or something that perfectly fits behind my ear.
I like life a lot, pretty much.
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| Some things I've noticed....
~ why is that it that you can hold your pee right up until your body knows you're close to destination, then you can't hold it anymore?
~ why is it that people are so asshole like when their siblings are amazing?
~ why is it that boys are so stupid sometimes?
~ why is it that i have to focus on who i'm mad at so i can keep the rage in the right place? and why can't people understand sometimes why things are so upsetting?
~ why is it that some dreams are absolutely impossible to forget, even if you don't remember them, you remember how they make you feel?
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| all those little things are locking in. finally, we're in sync the way we're supposed to be. best friends, finally on the same page. it's true, that distance makes things a little better and you learn to appreciate that true friendships are worth working for, fighting for, crying for, all those things that are promised in a healthy relationship are there. we work together like our own special system. we have learned to appreciate the fact that we're both stubborn, but pretty lost without each other.
It's nice to have a team on both sides. i have a glorious significant other, he's been with me almost a year, knowing everything there is to know about me, picking me up when i fall, loving me and hugging me and kissing me when he knows that he's the only one sometimes that can make everything better. i held something from him recently, just a stupid something, some everyday thing, like holding back something not so cute about myself, and he told me that he never wanted to feel like that again, so distant from me because he knows that i tell him everything. for 15 excruciating minutes, i let him sit there awkwardly, saying nothing, trying to figure out what it was that i wasn't telling him. i had to spill. it was dumb, not worth holding back, but the look on his face, hurt like i didn't trust him, was terrible. that's when you know you have something special. i tell him everything, good or bad, and for nearly a year, he's been by my side. never getting bored with me, never asking me to go. every time we leave each other, it's hard. we linger for over 20 minutes, talking, hugging, anything to keep from saying goodbye. it makes me happy. he's my best friend, but i have a best friend as well. like 2 separate lives. reese and i were joing around the other day and i told him he was going to hang out with his boyfriend when i was going to hang out with matt and he's like yup, you're going to see yours too. the significant others of the significant others, completely understood. i hold my best friend as close to my heart as i hold my boyfriend, but in a different way.
like i said, it's nice to have such a strong team, such wonderful men supporting me on both sides. i'm pretty dang lucky.
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| Today, I was graced with the urge to look though old pictures, old writings. I remember myself telling people often that this time of my life, last year, i couldn't feel anything anymore, i couldn't remember anything that happened, a full couple of months that i wiped out of my brain until he was gone. I looked back at my life today, and realized just how scary it is to realize that your life was completely out of your control, like a blink in time when months upon months passed without my consent, without my caring, without anything. It's so scary to look back and remember nothing, until I read what i wrote and realize why i am saving myself by forgetting. that girl, that broken girl...i can't hardly recognize that it was me, some bad story with a depressing middle, and a rehabilitation near the end, where she came back out of the water, and was nursed back to help after drowning by a close friend, family, and a new, soft love. i just have to close my eyes and try to remember that that pain is never again.
It seems to cruel to blame it all in one area. To keep the sob story and say, oh yes, it was all the cause of one person. But i should've let it die a year before it did. i should've listened to my gut and not the pain all those times before.
And now, i realize just how much those who are close to me mean to me.
And i realize just how stupid and selfish some others are.
I am closer now to my best friend now than I ever have been before. we have no secrets, not intentionally at least. I love him so much, but a special kind of love that can't be tainted. A special kind of love that is understood by few, but so appreciated by the both of us. There are so many things to be said, but all that matters is the fact that i don't know what i'd do without him.
Very similar to my love. I love him more than life itself. We have to work to be together, though it doesn't take much, since all the building blocks are there. I don't know that I understood what a real love meant until i felt it. A fair love with no expectations, without any put downs, only equality and a soft, colorful love. I do love him. So very much.
Look how far we've all come...
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